try too hard in relationships


Do you try too hard in relationships?

If so, there is good news.  First, you're not alone.  An awful lot of women try too hard in their relationships.  In fact, trying too hard is almost a part of the female condition – albeit a sometimes unhelpful part of the female condition.  Second, it's never too late to change things in such a way that you raise your value, work less hard, and enjoy way more love – and consideration – from a partner. There is something counter-intuitive about what happens when women try too hard in relationships.  Women are better at relationships than men, we're told.  We're into our touchy-feely, caring side in a way that not a whole lot of men are.  We are caregivers, home-makers, nurturers extraordinaire. All good things right? So, how come, we do what we do best, to the best of our ability, and try our socks off - only to have it backfire on us?  How come we end up lavishing our love on men, and they just don't appreciate us?   Before I answer that question, let's look first at what you do when all that love and nurture doesn't pay the dividends you expected.  How do you respond when Mr. Man falls down badly in the love and appreciation department? Long-term, you'll probably do the sane thing and walk.  But before you do that, you tend to try a couple of strategies:

Strategies of women who try too hard in relationships

Strategy #1 Lavish even more love and nurture on him. Selflessness has to be the way forward. Doesn't it? Strategy #2  Reproach him.  If he knows where you feel he is going wrong, he will have to change. Right? Sometimes, you employ these strategies one at a time; often you alternate between the two.  The results are, generally disappointing. If trying too hard in your relationship does not work, then trying even harder will not work either.  When you tell him what he should be doing, it only seems to trigger resentment and defensiveness. That is not fair, right? Absolutely.  But that thought doesn't make anything better. Quite the reverse. So, how about trying a different strategy: if you try too hard in relationships without getting the response you want, one of two things must be happening:
  • You're not communicating your own worth very effectively
  • You've picked the wrong guy.
While both possibilities may well be true, the chances are that you are not communicating your own worth very effectively anyway.  In fact, you probably haven't done so right from the start of the relationship. Now that would go a long way to explaining the problem that you face. You see, right from the start, you took responsibility for making the other person happy, and making the relationship work.  You provided your partner with a complete done-for-you relationship.  (You tried too hard – so that he would not have to.) What this meant was that instead of having to work at building the relationship, all he needed to do was say: “Hey, the relationship pinches here.  It's not quite right, there.  I need more room in this place.  You seem to have forgotten my requirement there.”  Do you think that when you try too hard in relationships you might just make him think that everything is all about him, and his convenience?

The way that does not lead to a man's heart

In a kind of reworking of that old adage about the way to man's heart being through his stomach, you believed that the way to a man's heart is through you being a relationship workhorse. Trying too hard in relationships is no way to have a relationship of equality, and reciprocity. When you do all the hard work, he doesn't have to do any work at all. What's more, he's not going to understand your value unless he's had to put a value on you.  That only happens if he has to work to earn your love and appreciation in the first place. He will never do that if you always try too hard in relationships. (Yes, I totally accept that love should be unconditional. That is all the more reason for you set some minimum requirements at the outset. Loving a right and appropriate person unconditionally makes perfect sense.  Loving a wrong and/or inappropriate person, and allowing them unconditional access to you, makes a lot less sense.) You see, it really is possible to try too hard in relationships.  If that is how you have been “running” your relationships, don't worry.  That tendency does not spring from a character trait set in stone.  You can always learn to step back, and give your man room to earn your love and appreciation.  Once he adjusts to the new conditions, he will thank you for it.  Besides, you will be very, very glad you finally stopped trying too hard in relationships.  
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