Have you ever had that feeling: “I've tried everything I know, and I still can't get it work?”
That's what seems to happen at times. especially in relationships, doesn't it? We try, and keep on trying, everything we know. And we keep on getting the same - dispiriting – results.
Back in the last millennium, I trained in the Alexander Technique (AT) – one of the best kept secrets in the Western World – but that's a story for another time. One of the great gifts I got from the AT is the futility of trying.
Working is great.
Applying what you know is great.
Reviewing and rethinking are great.
Trying, on the other hand, is a bit of a stinker.
Trying simply means bringing a huge amount of effort to bear, without thinking about:
a) whether or not trying is the best tool in the situation
b) the lessons to be learned from your previous tries
My wonderful first coach and mentor, Nicola Cairncross, is a whizz at 'computer stuff'. I've made huge progress over the years and gone, I suspect, from a perfect 0% in 'computer stuff' to a creditable 25%. On a good day. The bottom line is I my relationship with technology is still a little ambivalent.
That leaves me with a couple of choices. I could beat myself up for being a slow learner/only gradually climbing the continuum from useless to average. Or else, I could congratulate myself for small achievements (and small mercies) and keep going and learning.
Which approach do you think is the more constructive?
The second one, right?
How much do YOU use the second approach?
Lovely Nicola taught me another precious lesson. She taught it to me specifically with reference to my technological prowess but, dear Nicola, if you happen to be reading to it, the validity of that lesson extends way beyond IT. Nicola taught me this:
“Once you've spent a bit of time trying, and you're still not getting anywhere, stop. Then reassess, and get appropriate help.”
Where technology is concerned, Nicola reckons about 10 minutes will do it.
Admittedly, that's a tad short where other areas of your life are concerned, but the message is fundamentally right.
That’s to say, it works for all areas of life.
If you're getting bogged down – in any area of your life - that means there’s bound to be something you're missing.
The trouble is, if you've been looking for something - and missing - it for a while, then you become accustomed to missing it. Which means not seeing whatever it is becomes an established part of how you 'see' a situation.
I notice this in my clients, and the people I speak to, all the time. They keep on missing The Obvious about their relationships, and themselves.
Like the lovely lady who's spent years trying to get the Law of Attraction to work for her, but doesn't really believe in herself. Or the lady who believes she deserves the wonderful relationship – except that, when it comes down to it, she has a big issue around her self-worth. Nobody's given her permission to feel good about herself, and so she doesn't. Does that have an impact on her relationships? You betcha.
Or there's the talented business owner who doesn't really belief that she deserves the success, and financial rewards she desperately wants. Is that success going to happen any time soon, when she doesn’t believe she deserves it? No, it's not. She might as well be standing there with a big sign saying: “Validation, please don't stop here.”
So, let me ask you:
What are you missing?
What do you know you should be doing, but aren't doing? What do you not believe about yourself that you really need to believe, right now?”
Remember lovely Nicola's prescription:
“Stop. Reassess. Get help.”
It doesn't get any faster, or more effective than that.
What's to stop you from doing that?
Not the knee-jerk answer.
But the underlying fear?
Transformation lies on the other side of letting it go.