Are you long-sighted?
As someone so pitifully short-sighted I can't even hold a conversation on the phone without my 'eyes' in, I always thought long-sighted people had the better end of things... Until I realized that – just like many, many other women – I used to do relationships the long-sighted way.
What do I mean by that?
You know how we women meet a guy and we start looking at the long-term? That is, the life, and the lifestyle we can fantasize about having with this man. You can get really into that, can't you?
So, into it that you end up taking your eye of the ball, so to speak.
You lose sight of the everyday small stuff that's going on.
That small stuff falls into a few different categories:
- how he behaves towards other people
- how responsive he is to your wishes, needs, and feelings
- how his values fit with yours
And here's the thing:
It's NOT small stuff.
It's actually The Big Stuff.
Sure, The Dream has massive pulling power. Much more than whether he spoke nicely to the barista in Costa, or how short his temper can be when he's stressed at work, or whether he's prepared to accommodate your wishes about not leaving his wet towel on your floor, but...
The dream is a fantasy.
His behavior is a reality.
It's going to be seriously tough to build that dream with a reality that's not quite fit for purpose.
Let me tell you about a little research project I was privy to a little while back. It was a modelling project. Specifically, it was about how men and women who were good at happy, intimate relationships selected the right partner for them.
It turned out they had a pretty rigorous selection process.
By the end of one date,or possibly two, they'd decided whether the potential partner was a good fit or not.
They didn't do “grey areas”, or “Yes, with a few tweaks, and changes”. They didn't make excuses, or bring up mitigating factors; and they didn't indulge in any “not sure, let's it another month, or two, or three...”
They were focused right in on the detail – the find print -if you like. They gave their intuition its head. And it worked beautifully.
That's a lot less romantic than being long-sighted, in the short term. But lasting loving relationships aren't meant to be for the short term, are they?